Breaking the Shackles of Imposter Syndrome.
I wasn’t a natural scientist, but I proved to myself that I could pass a physiotherapy degree with first class honours. That still didn’t mean I’d be any good at it. My strongest results in the course were the essays (clue number 753). I did my best on student placements, but ended up relying on common sense for most of it.
When you actually do the job, it’s pretty much all about the practical. I muddled through some of the early, more technical rotations, but found my home in the community setting. Rather than focusing on, for example, a specific knee injury, I was allowed to take a fully holistic approach. Being able to consider bio-psycho-social factors, to have an impact on someone’s life, was very cool.
Following graduation, job opportunities were hard to come by. My baby was on the way, and I needed money. I returned to the scene of one of my old placements for chat with the gaffer. All she could offer was a Therapy Assistant job, three bandings below my actual qualification. I could’ve got better money doing something else, but I needed to be in the NHS. She said she’d take me on, as long as I stayed for nine months, and didn’t scarper as soon as a qualified job came along.
I did my time, grafting on the orthopaedic wards, learning the bread and butter work. At eight months, I interviewed for a rotational post and got offered a three month contract. I had to take the chance so I accepted. My gaffer gave me great backing, and even helped with interview practice for this. Even though I was a month short of the deal we made, I think she thought I’d be gone months before. I near enough kept my word and she respected that. That three month offer became seven, and then became permanent before I’d even started.
I stayed in that post for five years without progressing up the bandings. I always thought of someone else I believed to better than me, and therefore more deserving. Looking back now, it was self-sabotage. I had physios qualifying after me and progressing further, including one of my students. I needed a change and I wanted to be closer to home.
I interviewed successfully for a Senior Physiotherapist post at Leeds Community Healthcare NHS Trust. I found the step up really natural, even with the steep learning curve of working very closely with nurses, matrons and social workers. I was described by one of the clinical leads as someone who ‘has fun at work, but knows when to turn the screw.’
As Covid hit, we remained on the front line. Our job didn’t change. Except for the increased responsibilities, due to the fact that we were one of the only services doing the home visits. GPs were hard to come by. I was making big medical decisions. I had a patient die in my arms. This was tough.
Promotions to Physiotherapy Lead came along. Once again, I didn’t think I was good enough, so I left it alone. By Spring 2021 I’d had enough. I either needed to leave, or get promoted. I couldn’t just continue doing the same thing, day in day out. It’s very difficult to break barriers in the NHS. Chronically under-funded and under-staffed. But also mis-managed on several levels. Then came a secondment opportunity to be the Lead. My line manager didn’t seem to want to help much. I suppose it wasn’t in her best interest to lose me.
Anyhow, I interviewed for my first true leadership post and got it. And do you know what? I should’ve been surprised but I wasn’t. I’d come to the realisation that for years I’d been under-selling myself. Convinced I wasn’t good enough.